Ken Sneed, MDiv, MA, LPC, LMFT

Want to see an example of struggling marriage healed in a realistic way?  Looking for ways to give your marriage a lift??  Preparing for your wedding and want some hints to avoid the disappointments so many couples face???  Get to the theater as soon as possible to see, Fireproof. 

It clearly does not address allof the problems that marriages encounter.  It does present the attitudes that frequently develop between husband and wife, setting up a combative, frustrating, blaming downward slide in a relationship between two people.  And, it has a suggested course of action that one, or both, people can take to begin a healing process.  The determination of one or both partners that ending the marriage is not the best direction to go can be the beginning of the best relationship that can be known.

There is no guarantee that every marriage will be reconciled. However,the commitment of at least one partner to invest in a healing process can be the beginning of restoration.  Clearly, if both are adamant about blaming their partner for all of the woes in the relationship, there can be no movement toward intimacy.  The suggested actions in The Love Dare, the book refrenced in the movie, are aimed at the reader for his or her responsibility to enact.  It is not an instruction book in how to manipulate a partner into changing.

 Even if you don’t get to the movie before it is released on DVD, The Love Dare is available at book stores now.  Read it and put it into action in your life.  Don’t worry about your partner’s reaction or failure to respond in like manner.  Do what is right for you.

I’ve come to dislike the word “but.” I think it’s use should be legally limited to only about 15 times in a person’s life. We’re taught in school that it’s a conjunction. Actually, it’s a disclaimer. It’s most frequent use is to erase or put significant limitations on whatever precedes it. It doesn’t correct what comes before it, it says that it isn’t right and therefore is of no importance.

How would you feel if you came home from work (or your spouse greeted you when s/he came home) with the words, “I love you, but . . . . ” Does it really make any difference what follows that wonderful opening phrase? “. . . . you didn’t do (whatever chore) I asked you to.” “. . . you forgot (name an occasion). “. . . . you embarrassed me at the party the other night when you . . . . ”

See what I mean? As soon as you hear the word “but,” the “I love you” part is obliterated. Wiped out. You know there is a complaint or condition about to be pronounced that will mean you’re not really loved because the named condition hasn’t been met. Take note of how many times people begin a statement using the word “but” when it follows your comment “I didn’t like that movie very much.” “. . . . But think about how handsome the lead man is . . . . ” In other words, you should have liked the movie just because the leading man is good looking, never mind that the plot was weak, the scene transitions were choppy and the music was not supportive of what was happening on the screen . . . you are wrong!

Consider the impact on your children, minors or adult, when you describe something to them that you don’t like or agree with, and you use the word, “but.”  It can be disappointing and discouraging when that word frequently appears in your discussions.  How much more encouraging if you would present your desires for them in a positive way.

Try disagreeing with another person or pointing out a disappointing situation by using the word “and” where you otherwise would have used the word “but.” It tends to make the rest of the sentence more positive, rather than putting a negative slant on it. For example, in place of, “I love you, son, but you don’t ever take out the trash when we ask you to, much less do it on your own initiative,” it would be so much more positive to say something like, “I love you son, and it would be so much more enjoyable if you would take out the trash when asked, or even better if we didn’t have to ask.”

Sure, I know, your son probably won’t begin joyfully hauling out the trash just because you begin using the word “and” in place of “but.” It would still sound a lot better and more encouraging if stated in a positive way. So, give it a try. Make an effort to use the word “and” to completed the second part of your statements to others and see if it doesn’t keep things on a more positive basis. It may take some effort, and still, it can be done.

And by the way, don’t keep score for others if they use the word”but”.  Correct only yourself and see if those around you don’t begin to pick up the same habit by using “and ” to make their statements positive.

A recent comment by a friend about an e-mail he received revived an old, and nagging, question that has dogged me for years: Why did God do that to us? I know I’m not the first to wonder about this problem that we have.  You know, the differences between the way husbands and wives approach life. I also know that many will think this is a silly question to waste time wrestling with. But I still think it’s a good question. One aspect of it that grabs my interest is that many times the question is about differences in the ways men and women approach circumstances they face.  Frequently, the differences that were so attractive grow over time into big irritations after the “I do’s” are said. What’s up with that?

If you don’t think that there are gneral differences in the way men and women approach life read a book like, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  It’s not a heavy study in psychology, but people usually find a lot of themselves and their partner described in those pages in general terms. Frequently, it gives some relief just to know that the differences that are experienced are not unusual. The commonality lends comfort, and still, those irritating differences continue. If you have ever seen the movie, or a stage production of, My Fair Lady, you might remember the sentiment vocalized by Professor Higgins in which he wondered why women can’t think like men. Without a doubt, women are wondering why men can’t process life like a woman, which would make much more sense . . . to them.

The e-mail I referenced at the beginning of this article has to do with a picture of a machine that represents a woman’s brain, with a multitude of knobs and dials and guages that are needed to engage a woman in an intimate relationship. The depiction of the man’s brain has one switch, labeled “on/off.” If it was really that simple, it might be easier to navigate the quagmire of male/female relationships. The problem is compounded, though, by the differences in personalities and the way in which each person was reared in their families during childhood.

Perhaps the question doesn’t need to be, “Why did God do that to us?” but rather, “What am I going to do to make this relationship as enjoyable as possible?” Whether God set us up this way as part of our inherited punishment for Adam and Eve’s original sin, or He made us this way to keep life from being boring, or for some other reason we don’t comprehend, that’s the way it is.  So what are we going to do with what we’ve got? I don’t believe that God is so vindictive that He’s done this to us for punishment. I do believe that for whatever the reason for the differences, it’s our choice as to how we deal with it. We can either be angry and stew in it, or we can choose to work on making the good aspects of our relationship better and celebrate happiness wherever it might appear.  The choice belongs to each of us.  Check out the Minirth/Meier book, Happiness Is a Choice, and see if you aren’t convinced that life is what you choose to make of it, as are the relationships to which we commit ourselves.

This question about our differences is at the top of my list to ask God about when I get to heaven.  I just know that I’ll be embarrassed by the wisdom and simplicity of His answer.  Right now, though, it’s really confusing!

While perusing my e-mail I chased down a link to one of the best lectures I’ve ever heard. In part it’s because of the the lecturer’s situation. You may have heard about Dr. Randy Pauch’s Last Lecture. I had heard that a university professor who was dying gave an interesting lecture, but I’d not heard the content of his speech. The link that follows will connect you to his lecture. This link takes you to the tape of his original lecture, delivered at Carnegie Mellon University where Dr. Pauch was a professor. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&NR=1)

I’m impressed that this man has a grip on the important things of life. It would be interesting to know what his faith basis for life is, because his suggestions for living happily are an echo of what Jesus encouraged. It’s horribly disappointing that so many people don’t exhibit the attitude that he lives. Determining to be happy with what one has and appreciating those who contribute to life in a variety of ways is the best medicine for tough times and disappointing experiences. (Philippians 4:8)  I realize that there will be criticism because he talks about “karma” providing for those who live the right kind of life.  I don’t know if he’s using it as a general, philosophical term or in the strict sense as part of Hindu belief.  I just know that God does get us through the tough times when we give him our trust.  The reward is in faithfulness to God as we deal with the stuff of life, both “good” and “bad.”

Check out the video and see if it doesn’t challenge the way you look at life.

There is a new movie coming out under the title of, The Golden Compass. The trailers in the theaters look very interesting and exciting. A children’s movie that is a fantasy of Narnian quality. Actually, it appears to be a story in response to, The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis. Phillip Pullman, the author, is purported to be a self-proclaimed atheist who dislikes Lewis’ writings, so he penned a trilogy to promote his theology that there is no God. If you’re interested, you may want to read the report on Snopes.com, the website that confirs/disconfirms urban legends. Click on the following link to read their report: http://snopes.com/politics/religion/compass.asp.

Please understand, this blog is not condemning Pullman’s right to write such a novel, nor is it my goal to denigrate him as a person. I would defend his right to present his point of view just as I want the right to expound my viewpoint. I want to inform those who might take their children to view a childrens’ fantasy resulting in a line of thought that is not spiritually healthy. I am planning on viewing the movie so I can make an informed decision on my own and be able to address the issues presented in a, hopefully, intelligent manner. I wouldn’t take my children to see it if they were under 16 years old, and even then, we would have a long discussion about the direction it was going in an effort to throw light on a comparison with what we believe as Christians.

Do the research and determine for yourself if you believe your children should be exposed to a media presentation expressly intended to be oppositional to God. If you allow it, be ready yourself to examine the Scriptures and know what you believe so you can present an informed defense of what you believe. (1 Peter 3:15-16)

I recently received the following interesting, hilarious summary of the Bible. You may have seen this already, but a reread would still be fun. (I’d be more than happy to identify the original source, but no credit was given in the e-mail.)

Bible Story by 8 year Kids

In case you’re a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays. This is one clever rendition of the ‘Bible in a Nutshell’!

Enjoy!…. laughter is a gift from God!

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says,’The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’…and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been in vented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.

These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David . He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.

My teacher says Solomon was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

********************************************

Aren’t kids amazing!? I’m sure that God is delighted with the misinformation that is generated in childrens’ minds. At the same time, I wonder what He thinks about the absence of knowledge and/or the blatant misinformation that is stored in the minds of His adult children. How can we say we love God, yet know little of the contents of His love letters to us, AKA: the Bible.

Think about it . . . .